With so much reason for hope, why do i feel hopeless?

Lord,

As I am sure you are aware, yesterday was a crappy day. I can praise you that someday my baby will come home but right now it doesn't feel like it. I'm tired of people telling me to "try to relax" or have patience. I'm pretty sure they've never been here. Your word tells me that "the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace and patience," so why don't I feel peaceful and patient? Right now to be honest this just plain sucks. I am positive that you can end this right now and he could go home tomorrow. Whatever the reason, you aren't doing that. So if there is something I am supposed to learn please tell me. I'm tired of going places and feeling like people are wondering if I'm pregnant since I have a bit of a tummy. I want to tell them I just have a baby but I have no baby to show them. I'm tired of an empty belly and empty arms. I'm tired of going into an empty nursery to pump and staring at an empty crib. Forgive me for being impatient. I know you understand. I know you want me to have the desires of my heart so Lord I beg you to get him well quickly. I am already in pieces and I am not sure how much more I can take.

Forgive me for my jealousy when I see Facebook posts of new moms bringing home their new babies or when I see them in the store. This is really hard. I know you are there and I know there is much reason to have hope. This is temporary and eventually I will be in heaven for eternity with you but right now, I am here and this really hurts.

I'll praise you because you are worthy Lord, because you sent your son to die for me. I'll praise you because you gave me two boys and a loving husband. Grant me peace and patience. Help me to feel hopeful Lord.

Love Always

Autumn

Can I add a few?

So I was thinking about my earlier post & I need to add a few more ways God has prepared us for this:

9. Because we moved, I am now a full time stay at home mom. Although I loved my job at Crossroads, I think I'd have been really stressed out trying to cover myself and be sure everything was ready each week.

10. In our Bible study of 8 couples (I think), three other couples have had babies in the NICU. Now you may think that's bad luck, I think it's providence.

Update:

Today Dawson went off oxygen around 8:30 am. I nursed him at 8 pm. He is doing really really well. I am hopeful this will all be behind us really soon!

In other news, Ollie is handling this about as well as can be expected. I feel like he changes every time I leave. He is excited about this imaginary being but also pretty darn jealous.He has had lots of visitors which is great. I love my boys!

I'm not mad

I know that my last post may have sounded as if I was upset with God or that I didn't trust him but that's really not the case. I have total faith that we will get through this. The crazy thing about God is that he knew before time that this is where we would be. Here in the NICU with a 2 year old at home. He knew our address. He knew Dawson's name and he knew I'd be feeling like this. Let me give you a few reasons why I'm not mad.

1. I wanted to be pregnant sooner than I got pregnant. It took us three months to get pregnant with Dawson. If I had gotten pregnant sooner, we may have been intransit from NC or living with Bob's dad when this happened.

2. God knew the precise time we needed to move. Lest I remind you, we moved into our home on Saturday. If we had moved a week later, we may not have been in our home when this happened.

3. God knew we needed to move. One day in May, he placed it on my husband's heart that it was time. If we were in NC, I'd be driving an hour to go to the hospital instead of 15 minutes. I'd also be without my sister, my mom, my dad and my husband's family to help me through.

4. I left my dogs behind. Don't get me wrong, I miss them terrible but I can't imagine the stress of dealing with them on top of my two year old and my poor baby Dawson.

5. We found a church family quickly. We are attending the Downtown Church. We are involved in a Bible Study. The people of our study are praying for us, have offered help and hope and sent a stuffed animal and a balloon here for Dawson.

6. I met Laurel. Laurel is a woman in our Bible study group who just happens to work Mondays and is a labor and delivery nurse here at Methodist Hospital. She was with me through my labor and stayed behind after they took Dawson to pray with me.

7. I chose to deliver at Methodist which just happens to have a children's hospital and a wonderful staff.

8. Dawson was born and is going to be ok. He has had a rough go but he was never in real danger of not making it. He's amazing and we are in love.

So yes this is not what I wanted or expected but God knew before time it would happen. He loves us and prepared us to endure. He is an awesome and mighty God. I trust that I will have both my babies together really soon.

We take it all for granted

I thought I'd share a few of my thoughts over the last few days. They are raw and painful and joyful all at the same time. On Monday afternoon, I gave birth to my second child, a beautiful baby boy. We named him Dawson Curtis. He has a Great Uncle Dawson and a Great Grandpa Curtis. I was overjoyed after a drug free labor, where believe me I wanted to die multiple time, to hear it's a boy and have him laid on my chest. I filled with tears of joy. Bob whispered his name into his ear and said a beautiful prayer. Picture perfect. Right?

A few moments later, we decided to try to let him nurse. He seemed to struggle and it sounded as if he needed a bit of suctioning. They took him away and started doing that. Bob and I began calling family and friends to share the news. We soon realized, however, that Dawson was not getting better. More people were called into look and my whole world stopped spinning. I sat staring trying to figure out what was going on. Before I knew it, the words NICU were spoken and my perfect little prize for enduring the hellish labor was whisked away along with my husband and everyone else in the room.

I sat there in the bed stunned. What in the world had just happened? I stared out the window and tears welled up in my eyes. This wasn't supposed to be happening. Dawson was 36 weeks 6 days just like Ollie. He had two cousins both born in the 36th week and they were fine. What had happened. The tears began pouring out and Laurel (my labor and delivery nurse & friend) came back in. She asked if she could pray with me and I said yes. At the time, the yes was more out of I know I should and less of I really want to. I probably shouldn't admit that. It wasn't as if I was mad at God. I can't really explain. I wanted to run away,go back in time, hide, disappear, something, anything but this. This sucked. My boy was gone. My other son couldn't go see him and I had no idea what the prognosis was.

The days have now bled together. I have cried and cried. I couldn't hold my baby. It's Friday. I gave birth on Monday and I've held him 4 times for a combined total of a few puny hours. I didn't even get to see his face and head until Wednesday. I can't nurse. I'm tied to a freaking pump every three hours from now until he comes home. I long to be up in the middle of the night with a fussy baby not to pump and wash the parts to do it again in 3 hours. I'm ripped in pieces. I'm heartbroken because a new baby should be comforted and held and nursed not poked and prodded and left alone on a bed table deal alone. My two year old should be experiencing love and jealousy not jealousy for an imaginary brother he can't see or meet. He shouldn't scream when I leave the room for fear I'm gone again. Every free moment shouldn't be scheduled. My husband shouldn't have had to wait two days to hold his own child. My sister shouldn't have to cry because her child is crying since she's gone. This shouldn't be happening...

I'm in love. All I want is to hold my baby and love him and kiss him. We take it all for granted. Not everyone gets to hold a baby at all. I guess I'm a lucky one. That's hard to swallow.

Something to Laugh About

There is nothing better than a sister. Truly. I love my sister so much and I 'm glad I'm living closer to her. It's funny how you never appreciate them when they live in the same house though!

So last Thursday afternoon, my dear sister made the 3 1/2 hour journey from her home in Minnesota to my sweet suburb in Des Moines because we were finally closing on our house. She arrived during the closing and Ollie went running to his Auntie Jade. After closing, we did some work at the house and then went to rest as the next day she and I were on the huge task of super cleaning it! That evening when ordered the most fabulous Chinese food and carefully stored our delicious left overs in the fridge.

Friday morning we were off. At breakfast, we sat and discussed just how we were going to heat up our gourmet leftover since we have no microwave. We decided we may just have to drive back to my father-in-law's house to warm. Off we went. A few blocks from his home, we spotted a garage sale. I suggested we pull over and see if they have a microwave. After a few minutes of looking around, I finally asked if she had one. The woman told me she did and it was such a monstrosity that she planned to give it away. So my dear sister and this woman carried the microwave to my van. At this point it really hadn't occurred to me that we wouldn't be able to get the dang thing back out of my van but before we got to the house, Jade asked, "So do you have an extension cord?"

Pause. "Why?"

"Well you know we will never get this into your house right? Do you think there is an outlet in the garage? Oh and by the way, I'm pretty sure this thing has a 3-prong outlet since it is so old."

Haha. Let the games begin!

At lunch time, we discovered there were outlets in the garage and I did have a three prong one. We came up with the brilliant plan of backing into the garage and plugging it into the wall. We laughed and laughed as I tried to maneuver into this space and then laughed again and we tried to move the giantotron over to get the cord to reach and laughed even more as it was just an inch too short. Finally, I moved a bit and it was able to be plugged in.

Now for those of you who have never used the first microwave ever invented, they can be kind of tricky. Our first thought was, "Great all that work and it isn't even a working microwave." A few words-- NOT USER FRIENDLY. MUST BE A ROCKET SCIENTIST TO USE. No wonder most of our parents are technologically inept. Anyway, after I squeeze myself out of the driver's seat (I couldn't open the door all the way and I was 36 weeks pregnant at the time). We sat and pushed buttons and stared at this complicated piece of equipment. Now at first, it seemed that none of the buttons worked until we discovered the magic blue button which made all of our dreams come true. Well not really but it did allow us to pick the temp and time (Yes it it that old. No one button starting here.) We just couldn't find the start button. Finally, I slammed my hand on it and it started. The humongous sliver button that we had mistaken for the door opening button was the start button! Hooray!

So then, just how long does it take to heat up Chinese food in a microwave made in 1953? Well, for both of our food, it was a total of 8 minutes. That is once you find the start button. Our total time getting the microwave plugged in and figuring out how to work it? 30 minutes. Should have just drove to Jim and Mel's house. Oh well. We had a good laugh anyway.

Carrixico Salad

Okay so I'm not very creative with names but if you'd like to make a meal as yummilicious as this....

You've come to the right place! Here's the recipe:

Salad:

1 Head romaine lettuce

1 Tomato

1 Green Pepper

1 Red Pepper

1/2 medium onion

1 C Chunk Fresh Pineapple

1/4 C loosely chopped Cilantro

1/4 C black beans

8-12 oz Grilled Beef

Shredded cheese

Tortilla Chips

Dressing:

1/8 cup Pineapple Juice

1/8 Cup Lime juice

1/8 cup Olive Oil

2 T Finely Chopped Cilantro

1 Pressed Garlic Clove

1-2 t Honey

1 t brown sugar

1 t allspice

Sprinkle of Cayenne Pepper

Ok. Easy day. Put together your salad. Mix your dressing up in a liquid measuring cup. Add more of different ingredients to adjust it to your taste and toss it together. Add the beef to the top. I grilled the beef on a wood burning grill. It was amazing! I also took tortilla chips and stuck them in the oven with a mexican blend cheese to use around the salad. Yummy!

What did Ollie think?

Prepping for the New Baby

Yesterday, my mother-in-law, Betsy, took Ollie all day. My one assignment--rest. Well, resting is hard at this stage in the game. My nesting instincts have hit an all time high and since I'm not in my own house, I can't do much preparing so I decided it was a good day to prepare freezer meals, 1- to be exact. I love to cook and I rarely (I don't think at all since Ollie came to be) get to spend the whole day cooking. I made Chicken Kiev, Shepherd's Pie, Stuffed Shells and Chili, all of which are now sitting in my father-in-law's freezer just waiting to be moved to my new house. I also made S'mores bar. For all you soon-to-be mamas, I thought I might include some of my freezer recipes here for you!

Shepherd's Pie

1 lb ground turkey or beef

1T Worchester sauce

1-2T flour

2t thyme

1 can beef broth salt and pepper

1 bag frozen veggies

approximately 2 1/2 cups of mashed potatoes

1 bag of shredded cheddar cheese

Brown the turkey. While cooking add the worchester sauce, salt and pepper and the thyme. Once browned add the flour and stir in the broth. Layer in the bottom of a narrow cake pan (I use a smaller than regular one). Layer the frozen veggies on next and then top with mashed potatoes (I make real mashed potatoes). Top the tators with cheese and freeze. (when time to cook, place in 350 degree oven for approximately 1 hour.)

Stuffed Shells

about 12 cooked large pasta shells

1 16 oz container of ricotta cheese

1 8oz bag/container of shredded Parmesan or Romano cheese

1/2cup of milk (whole or evaporated)

1/2 cup chopped fresh spinach

1 egg

2 garlic clove minced- separate

1 medium yellow onion chopped- reserve about 1/4 of it

1 jar spaghetti sauce

1 T Olive Oil

1/4 cup of butter

2 T of Flour

Heat the Olive oil over medium-high heat. Add onion. Sauté until translucent. Add garlic until fragrant. Add spinach and sauté until wilted. Remove from heat and let cool. Mix the ricotta, 1 egg and about 1/3 of the Parmesan cheese together. Add the spinach mix. Stir well. Stuff the cooled shells and place into a baking dish. Pour the spaghetti sauce over them. in a small sauce pan, melt the butter and add the onion and garlic. You may also add salt and pepper to taste. Add the flour and stir well. It should be like a thick paste. Now slowly stir in the milk until it is creamy. Add the about 1/2 of the remaining cheese and stir until it is melted. Pour over the shells. Sprinkle with cheese and freeze. When you bake, cover with tin foil, bake for 45min (or until bubbly) at 350.

Chili

1 green pepper

1 med onion- chopped

1 T or more chili powder (try Penzy Med-hot!)

1 T cumin

Pepper

1 lb of ground turkey (or beef if you prefer)

1 can chili beans

1 can Rotel

1 15 oz can of tomato sauce

1 15 oz can of whole tomatoes

Brown the turkey with the medium onion. Add pepper, chili powder and cumin. Mix in your cans and add your green peppers. Allow to simmer for a couple hours. Cool and freeze. Thaw and reheat later!

Rockin' S'More Bars

Go to: http://familyfun.go.com/recipes/rockin-smore-bars-920554/