As I am sure you are aware, yesterday was a crappy day. I can praise you that someday my baby will come home but right now it doesn't feel like it. I'm tired of people telling me to "try to relax" or have patience. I'm pretty sure they've never been here. Your word tells me that "the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace and patience," so why don't I feel peaceful and patient? Right now to be honest this just plain sucks. I am positive that you can end this right now and he could go home tomorrow. Whatever the reason, you aren't doing that. So if there is something I am supposed to learn please tell me. I'm tired of going places and feeling like people are wondering if I'm pregnant since I have a bit of a tummy. I want to tell them I just have a baby but I have no baby to show them. I'm tired of an empty belly and empty arms. I'm tired of going into an empty nursery to pump and staring at an empty crib. Forgive me for being impatient. I know you understand. I know you want me to have the desires of my heart so Lord I beg you to get him well quickly. I am already in pieces and I am not sure how much more I can take.
Forgive me for my jealousy when I see Facebook posts of new moms bringing home their new babies or when I see them in the store. This is really hard. I know you are there and I know there is much reason to have hope. This is temporary and eventually I will be in heaven for eternity with you but right now, I am here and this really hurts.
I'll praise you because you are worthy Lord, because you sent your son to die for me. I'll praise you because you gave me two boys and a loving husband. Grant me peace and patience. Help me to feel hopeful Lord.
Love Always
Autumn
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