Kid Pics

A Few Good Questions

A week ago Sunday, our Pastor spoke about growing your faith. He talked about how people don't just magically grow into extremely faithful people. We make financial plans, career plans, even family plans but how many of us make faith plans?

He posed a few questions to get us planning. I've thought and thought but I'm not sure how to answer them! What do you think?

1. How do you plan to reach your neighbors?

2. What's your plan to spiritually develop your children?

3. How do you plan to grow your marriage?

4. How do you plan to develop your quiet time?

As for number 4, he talked about how he knew what he wanted his time with God to look like & then took baby steps. To be honest, Im not even sure what I think it should look like. What are your thoughts?

Bob & I plan to sit & discuss we just haven't had time yet! Imagine that. Maybe this week. When we do, I'll let you have a look!



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Pumpkin Patch 2010

This morning we brought the boys to Iowa Orchards for a hayride, some games & pumpkin pickin'. I of course dressed us like it is October but it feels like summer so we were all a little on the warm side. This pumpkin patch has a hayride that takes you to a little area with slides, face painting and a "cornbox" (imagine sandbox with corn instead of sand). Ollie had a great time. He picked a pumpkin for him and one for Dawson. Here are a few pictures of our adventure.

Rejoicing

Yesterday, after 16 days in the NICU (not counting yesterday), we took our little guy home. Sixteen days feels like an eternity when you are split in two. Now I realize that there are people who have much longer stays in the NICU and some who don't leave with a baby. I am thankful we did. I cried driving home with him in the van. What an amazing day and I really think it was that much sweeter because I now know how hard it is to leave a baby and go home.

Oliver loves his baby brother. He asks to hold him and kisses him all the time. It is so adorable. He also "reads" to Dawson and shares his toys by piling them on his chest. My favorite is when he says something like, "Want a turn with the train Dawson?" The way he says Dawson is awesome.

It's amazing how your love isn't split when you have another child, it's multiplied. We give all the praise and glory to Him who saves.

Let's talk bout something else

So I've done a lot of whining and blubbering over the last two weeks and thought maybe you'd want to hear about my other child. Ollie has faired remarkably well and has gotten the priviledge of spending extra time with his Auntie Jade, Grandma Carol and Nana while I've been at the hospital. Lucky for me, I've gotten to spend some time with him too! He is growing and changing so much.

One of the most exciting moments was when we had went to watch a backhoe work down the street and the driver let ollie in the cab! Ollie even got to put his hands on the driver's hands while he lifted and dumped the bucket. As one would expect, I of course did not have a camera with me. But, I did happen to have one when we went to babiesrus and they had a little tractor dealy. So here is one of that!

Yesterday, Ollie and I went on an adventure to sculpture park in downtown Des Moines. We really enjoyed looking at (& attempting to climb on) each sculpture. I took a bunch of pictures of my guy.

With so much reason for hope, why do i feel hopeless?

Lord,

As I am sure you are aware, yesterday was a crappy day. I can praise you that someday my baby will come home but right now it doesn't feel like it. I'm tired of people telling me to "try to relax" or have patience. I'm pretty sure they've never been here. Your word tells me that "the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace and patience," so why don't I feel peaceful and patient? Right now to be honest this just plain sucks. I am positive that you can end this right now and he could go home tomorrow. Whatever the reason, you aren't doing that. So if there is something I am supposed to learn please tell me. I'm tired of going places and feeling like people are wondering if I'm pregnant since I have a bit of a tummy. I want to tell them I just have a baby but I have no baby to show them. I'm tired of an empty belly and empty arms. I'm tired of going into an empty nursery to pump and staring at an empty crib. Forgive me for being impatient. I know you understand. I know you want me to have the desires of my heart so Lord I beg you to get him well quickly. I am already in pieces and I am not sure how much more I can take.

Forgive me for my jealousy when I see Facebook posts of new moms bringing home their new babies or when I see them in the store. This is really hard. I know you are there and I know there is much reason to have hope. This is temporary and eventually I will be in heaven for eternity with you but right now, I am here and this really hurts.

I'll praise you because you are worthy Lord, because you sent your son to die for me. I'll praise you because you gave me two boys and a loving husband. Grant me peace and patience. Help me to feel hopeful Lord.

Love Always

Autumn

Can I add a few?

So I was thinking about my earlier post & I need to add a few more ways God has prepared us for this:

9. Because we moved, I am now a full time stay at home mom. Although I loved my job at Crossroads, I think I'd have been really stressed out trying to cover myself and be sure everything was ready each week.

10. In our Bible study of 8 couples (I think), three other couples have had babies in the NICU. Now you may think that's bad luck, I think it's providence.

Update:

Today Dawson went off oxygen around 8:30 am. I nursed him at 8 pm. He is doing really really well. I am hopeful this will all be behind us really soon!

In other news, Ollie is handling this about as well as can be expected. I feel like he changes every time I leave. He is excited about this imaginary being but also pretty darn jealous.He has had lots of visitors which is great. I love my boys!

I'm not mad

I know that my last post may have sounded as if I was upset with God or that I didn't trust him but that's really not the case. I have total faith that we will get through this. The crazy thing about God is that he knew before time that this is where we would be. Here in the NICU with a 2 year old at home. He knew our address. He knew Dawson's name and he knew I'd be feeling like this. Let me give you a few reasons why I'm not mad.

1. I wanted to be pregnant sooner than I got pregnant. It took us three months to get pregnant with Dawson. If I had gotten pregnant sooner, we may have been intransit from NC or living with Bob's dad when this happened.

2. God knew the precise time we needed to move. Lest I remind you, we moved into our home on Saturday. If we had moved a week later, we may not have been in our home when this happened.

3. God knew we needed to move. One day in May, he placed it on my husband's heart that it was time. If we were in NC, I'd be driving an hour to go to the hospital instead of 15 minutes. I'd also be without my sister, my mom, my dad and my husband's family to help me through.

4. I left my dogs behind. Don't get me wrong, I miss them terrible but I can't imagine the stress of dealing with them on top of my two year old and my poor baby Dawson.

5. We found a church family quickly. We are attending the Downtown Church. We are involved in a Bible Study. The people of our study are praying for us, have offered help and hope and sent a stuffed animal and a balloon here for Dawson.

6. I met Laurel. Laurel is a woman in our Bible study group who just happens to work Mondays and is a labor and delivery nurse here at Methodist Hospital. She was with me through my labor and stayed behind after they took Dawson to pray with me.

7. I chose to deliver at Methodist which just happens to have a children's hospital and a wonderful staff.

8. Dawson was born and is going to be ok. He has had a rough go but he was never in real danger of not making it. He's amazing and we are in love.

So yes this is not what I wanted or expected but God knew before time it would happen. He loves us and prepared us to endure. He is an awesome and mighty God. I trust that I will have both my babies together really soon.

We take it all for granted

I thought I'd share a few of my thoughts over the last few days. They are raw and painful and joyful all at the same time. On Monday afternoon, I gave birth to my second child, a beautiful baby boy. We named him Dawson Curtis. He has a Great Uncle Dawson and a Great Grandpa Curtis. I was overjoyed after a drug free labor, where believe me I wanted to die multiple time, to hear it's a boy and have him laid on my chest. I filled with tears of joy. Bob whispered his name into his ear and said a beautiful prayer. Picture perfect. Right?

A few moments later, we decided to try to let him nurse. He seemed to struggle and it sounded as if he needed a bit of suctioning. They took him away and started doing that. Bob and I began calling family and friends to share the news. We soon realized, however, that Dawson was not getting better. More people were called into look and my whole world stopped spinning. I sat staring trying to figure out what was going on. Before I knew it, the words NICU were spoken and my perfect little prize for enduring the hellish labor was whisked away along with my husband and everyone else in the room.

I sat there in the bed stunned. What in the world had just happened? I stared out the window and tears welled up in my eyes. This wasn't supposed to be happening. Dawson was 36 weeks 6 days just like Ollie. He had two cousins both born in the 36th week and they were fine. What had happened. The tears began pouring out and Laurel (my labor and delivery nurse & friend) came back in. She asked if she could pray with me and I said yes. At the time, the yes was more out of I know I should and less of I really want to. I probably shouldn't admit that. It wasn't as if I was mad at God. I can't really explain. I wanted to run away,go back in time, hide, disappear, something, anything but this. This sucked. My boy was gone. My other son couldn't go see him and I had no idea what the prognosis was.

The days have now bled together. I have cried and cried. I couldn't hold my baby. It's Friday. I gave birth on Monday and I've held him 4 times for a combined total of a few puny hours. I didn't even get to see his face and head until Wednesday. I can't nurse. I'm tied to a freaking pump every three hours from now until he comes home. I long to be up in the middle of the night with a fussy baby not to pump and wash the parts to do it again in 3 hours. I'm ripped in pieces. I'm heartbroken because a new baby should be comforted and held and nursed not poked and prodded and left alone on a bed table deal alone. My two year old should be experiencing love and jealousy not jealousy for an imaginary brother he can't see or meet. He shouldn't scream when I leave the room for fear I'm gone again. Every free moment shouldn't be scheduled. My husband shouldn't have had to wait two days to hold his own child. My sister shouldn't have to cry because her child is crying since she's gone. This shouldn't be happening...

I'm in love. All I want is to hold my baby and love him and kiss him. We take it all for granted. Not everyone gets to hold a baby at all. I guess I'm a lucky one. That's hard to swallow.